KEVICC Courier Winter 2021 Lockdown

The Staffroom This time I’ve decided to review online learning. It’s not a film, true, but these are weird times - and as anyone who knows me will tell you, I don’t need an excuse to do something weird. This can work to my advantage – weird people often keep the more generally sane and average person on their toes as they will be cautious as to what the weird person will do next. For example, laugh at the colour of someone’s car as they drive past you in said car. But if that person is weird, they probably won’t just laugh and accept ‘the banter’, they in fact may park their aforementioned aesthetically horrible car, run towards you and rugby tackle you to the ground when you least expect it. Or, if you ask them for tea, they make you a Cea – coffee and tea combined – just for the hell of it and to see how you react. Basically, don’t mess with weird people because they are already messing with you and you don’t even know it and they’ll always win ‘cos they’re weird. Anyway, I digress. Online Learning. What a blast. I mean, for kids it’s not really all that bad is it? They sit in front of a computer screen all day which most of them like to do anyway. They don’t speak to anyone, which is a teenager’s dream. They communicate in a chat bar rather than opening their mouths. Again, a teenager’s dream. Due to the adults of the world being worried that kids are spending too much time in front of a screen – ironically a lifelong ambition for the modern teenager – teachers are limiting the online lessons to 20 minutes where possible. This means the kids get shorter lessons. I can hear the party poppers now. So, in the middle of winter, they can get up later, sit in front of a screen, speak to no one, don’t have to make themselves presentable as no one sees them either, have shorter lessons, and then can use social media or play computer games between the gaps. They’re not even forced to go and see their grandparents anymore ‘cos it’s lethal for them to do so, and they certainly don’t have to accept that squidgy, wet grandma kiss anymore ‘cos of covid. I’m surprised some crazy conspiracy theorist hasn’t come up with the idea that teenagers started this whole pandemic. But for teachers it’s totally different. This opposite is basically the extent of human contact a teacher has all day: They say the first sign of madness is talking to yourself. Well, now we’re all officially mad. This is a transcript of a teacher’s experience of an online lesson: Teacher : Hi [student’s name]! Silence. Teacher : Hi [student’s name]! Silence again. Teacher : Hi [student’s name]! Awkward silence. Teacher : [aside] They all hate me. When enough turn up, obviously with no cameras on, just a black screen of nothingness stares back at you, as if you’re looking into the soul of a million murderers. The teacher will then start the lesson as the silent black boxes slowly filter in, akin to those Weeping Angels from Doctor Who. After explaining what they’re doing, showing it, screen sharing it and modelling it, a lone response will pop up in the chat bar: Chat Bar : wot r we doin Teacher : You’re doing what I just spent 10 minutes telling you to do. Chat Bar : yh Teacher : What do you mean? Chat Bar : wot r we doin Teacher : Ok, let me go through it again. The teacher proceeds to go through it all again. A message pops up in the Chat Bar: Chat Bar : do we have to do it? Teacher : Yes, of course you do. Chat Bar : Ben, you comin on xbox later? This is what swear words were made for. The teacher then proceeds to either talk to themselves for a bit more or stare at a blank screen with no interaction from anyone. Slowly, their soul dies, they wither away into an inactive mess, the ageing process accelerated by the monotony and depression of no movement and no interaction with other human beings. Eventually, after a 5 lesson day, they expire and drop to the floor, looking like this cat. Remote learning rating : * Chilton's Review of Remote Learning As usual we asked Mr Chilton's for a film review. As usual he reluctantly, yet politely, agreed to it. But instead of reviewing a film, he chose to focus his critical eye on appraising that one thing engulfing all our lives right now: remote learning... Above : TheGoogleMeet Black Screenof Nothingness Above : A five lesson day Page 20